Local Woman Throws out Leftover Turkey to Protest Cruel Treatment of Poultry

After eating a huge turkey dinner with stuffing, cranberry gelatin and bean casserole, June Jensen felt guilty. “I’ve read that turkey chicks never see their mothers, are raised in the dark in tiny crates, and are fattened to the point where they can barely walk,” she said. To protest this cruel treatment, Jensen then threw out threw a 2 lb bag of mostly dark meat turkey. “It’s a small gesture, but maybe that is how change can start,” she added. For her upcoming Holiday buffet, Jensen is planning to throw out her roast, ham and chicken leftovers before they hit the fridge. “Enough is enough,” she said.

Grafton Speaks: What did you think about graftontimes.com switching back to free subscriptions?

R. Rabinowitz - Golfball Salesman
The letter from them was so sincere about wanting to serve the community.  I think it mentioned how they lost ad revenue because they had less subscribers willing to pay - right?  I'm sure it did, wait, let me read it again.

S. Raphael- Stay at Home Grammy
Typical media.  They wine and dine you with content then make you pay dutch. And when you finally leave them, they come groveling back saying they have changed. But they are so darn cute, you end up taking them right back.

B. Little - Consultant
They totally had me sold on the 7 cents a day thing. I actually stopped donating to a homeless child in Africa to pay for my news. Now, thanks to their change of heart, I can help someone in need.

Alien Sighting Increase After Cotton Calls Grafton "Best Town in Universe"

Since last week, when Selectwoman Cotton upgraded Grafton from "Best Town in the World" to "Best Town in the Universe," police logs show a spike in alien/UFO calls.   Resident Mary Contraire reported an unnaturally bright "electronic looking" flashing light on Rte 140.  "Maybe the lights are aliens who want to move here after hearing how great our town is" she said.  Others think that perhaps aliens may be looking to sabotage the community and demote Grafton back to #1 in the world.  "Recent negative events like swine flu outbreak, business closings and vague school superintendent goals point to something a bit more sinister" says another selectman.  Local contractor Bill Derr spotted a suspicious looking figure wearing a building inspector hat and badge.   "Has to be alien in disguise," he says.  Insiders say the TA is optimistic about the sightings and sees aliens as an untapped revenue source for the town.

Poor Showing at “Be A Parent Not A Pal” Leads to Deceptive “Family Beer Night”

After a poor turnout at Be a Parent, Not a Pal class on underage drinking, some initially thought it might have something to do with the preachy course name. Committee Chair John Mullier disagreed. “Compared to the original proposal: You Suck As A Parent, We Will Help You Suck Less, the title is pretty mild.” said Mullier. He now admits, however, that those who serve alcohol to minors are not likely to come to this kind of course at the High School. He is now considering an alternate approach -- a town event called Family Beer Night. “That should smoke out the truly ignorant parents we're looking for.” he said.

Garlic’s No-Revenue Model: Real or Evil Plot?

After Grafton’s main online news source switched to “pay-for-content” this week, many are questioning how The Garlic (Grafton’s online news spoof) can afford to deliver content. “There is no advertising or subscription revenue that I can discern,” says Media Analyst Sean Heinkel. “Perhaps they are doing it to bring levity to the town, but I seriously doubt it,” he added. Some residents have heard rumors that The Garlic is looking to lure fans, somehow get them chemically addicted to the blog, shut down the site and demand 1 million dollars. Board of Health Inspector Mavis Lane warns Grafton residents to consume these blog posts in moderation to “ward off addiction.” The Garlic CEO has not been available for comment but has been spotted around town spending tens of dollars at Treasures Thrift store, buying extra PAYT bags and laughing maniacally-- signaling to the town a diabolical optimism about future Garlic earnings.

K. Whynot persuades local McDonald's to offer new “McMansion Meal”

After years of belittling Grafton residents who purchase homes in new developments, local writer Kay Whynot sought to make amends. He worked with McDonald’s Manager Cal Oreigh to develop a new product just for Grafton – the McMansion Meal. The meal comes in a large colonial shaped box and comes with a cheeseburger, fries, large drink, and a toy mortgage document. Whynot said “I thought it would be fitting to charge a little extra for the meal and make people put it on a credit card.” A small percent of sales will go to the Board of Selectman's Hot Cocoa budget for cold-patch/plowing parties on unfinished developments. Whynot is also busy developing a new line of McSoccerMom and McSUV meals scheduled to launch in October.

Data Geek Has Good Time Turning Police Logs into Pie Charts

Business Analyst Chris Anzer doesn’t stop work at 5:00pm. When he gets home from a long day analyzing financial services data, he trolls websites looking for fun data to make into charts and graphs. Anzer hit the jackpot yesterday when he stumbled upon an electronic version of Grafton’s police log.

He told Garlic Reporters, “After crunching the data, I thought I’d see the majority of officer time spent on underage drinking stings, murder, theft and counterfeiting that have made recent headlines… but instead I found that the top transgression in town is a motor vehicle stop.” His conclusion: The big crime problem in Grafton is speeding and that Grafton is lucky to have enormous police speed trapping resources.

Anzer has offered more detailed crime trends to local Police Chief for a small cut of the motor vehicle stop fees (which he calculated at upwards of $4,000.) He quickly followed that offer with “just kidding” for fear of being a statistic in next week’s log.

Three Cheers for the Building Inspector who Drummed Seedy Massage Business Out of Town

Thank goodness that our Building Inspector is cracking down on the red light district in our town. If not for him, our most innocent residents would unwittingly violate a bylaw not to mention their morals by walking into a disgusting massage establishment. Even the local police have become desensitized to bylaw offenders by inviting R&R Massage (formerly Hands of an Angel) to display their risqué chair message techniques during the Police Night Out town event. So if you are not a big fan of the Building Inspector, put your criticisms aside for a minute and join me in a heartfelt thank you. The last thing our town needs is revenue from a morally offensive business.

This Advertisement was paid for by "Clean up Our Small Towns by Making it Real Hard for Businesses to Succeed" Foundation of America

Babbling Brook Utters First Words

The 50 year old babbling brook running through town has started to form its first words. Residents reporting hearing a very faint “Ma Ma” and “Zebo” along with some unintelligible words that sounded oddly similar to BOS meetings when speakers don’t use microphones.

The proud mother, Lake Ripple, has been talking non-stop about her "little Brooky" to anyone who will listen. She is pleased that her brook is developing normally but wants to make sure it stays away from local sewers to prevent early exposure to foul language.

Snopes.com reports that “U 1st Safely” campaign could be a Hoax

An article on Snopes.com (which uncovers media hoaxes) confirmed that the Grafton News “U 1st Safely” driver courtesy campaign must be a hoax. The campaign is intended to make the town a nicer place by encouraging drivers to let cars pull out ahead of them when there is heavy traffic on Route 140. “There is no way that this could be real” says Snopes Junior Researcher Justin Kupper originally from Upton, MA. “I mean come on, we all know what happens when we stop on 140. The car behind us gets impatient, hits the gas and passes on the right.” He speculates that if this were a real story, it could cause a rash of serious accidents. But Kupper gives the Grafton News the benefit of the doubt. He says “ even if it turns out to be a true story, I’m sure the newspaper has good intentions for the community…but maybe went from brainstorming in the break room to execution a bit too quickly?”

BOS Refusal to Pay $600 Fire Station Bill Puts Builder at Risk of Financial Collapse

After spending $5.5 million for a new fire station, the Board of Selectman really put the screws to the builder by declining a bill for $600 to fix the pavement so Ladder 1 could leave the station. “This really puts our business in jeopardy” says A.P. Whitaker, owner of the company who built the station. He did a quick calculation on his blackberry showing that the $600 was equal to 1/10th of one percent of the total project cost. “That’s too much for us to absorb...and frankly it’s really not our fault that the truck couldn't leave the station.” He then added, “If someone builds you a garage, is it their fault if your Chevy Suburban won’t fit? I think not.” He says he doesn’t mind the public scolding but would prefer not to have his company's future compromised over this.

Summer Rental Still Available for Middle School Modular Classrooms

With the popularity of “staycations” on the rise, the Secondary School Building Committee came up with a great idea. “We can rent out the modular classrooms for those who don’t mind roughing it a little bit but want to get out of the house” says the committee chair. He adds, “it’s a win-win…it will help us offset the costs of building a new school and bring business to the community.” A one week stay will cost vacationers about $50K but will include a blow up pool, a coupon for a free cone at Swirls & Scoops and a free pass to “Construction Camp” where vacationers can participate in getting the class rooms ready for the fall.

Mystery Couple Trashes Room at The Grafton Inn

A couple checked into the Grafton Inn last Saturday as "Kath and Barry McLoughan" for what they said was "a weekend away from our stressful jobs." After they checked out the next day, the Inn’s owners were shocked by the condition of the McLoughan's room. Everything in the room was systematically disassembled from the bed frame to the plumbing. Local Police Sgt June B. Jones also found suspicious charred remains of a book in the fireplace. As of today, the only lead the police have to go on is a picture of the mystery couple snapped that night. “We will get to the bottom of this” says Sgt. Jones who is also doing some handwriting analysis on some wall scribbles that said “downhill my ass.“ The new owners are perplexed and told reporters “clearly the couple was trying to send some sort of message but we can’t for the life of us figure it out what it was.”

Gross Pink Mattress Edging Out Gazebo as Town Symbol

The old smelly pink mattress that has been sitting out for weeks on Old Westborough Road is close to becoming a new town symbol for Grafton. The Grafton News and graftontimes.com are considering changing the gazebo logo to a dirty pink mattress. "Recently, when people think of Grafton, they think -- disgusting mattress" says one editor.

The Board of Selectmen say that while the stinky mattress doesn't represent the history and quaintness of Grafton, it does represent how unhappy residents are over recent trash fees. The TA recommended replacing the Gazebo with the mattress temporarily to show residents that town officials are listening.

Local Teacher Says “That Darn Colon, Dash & Parenthesis Smiley Face is Grammatically Incorrect”

Jane Schmidt, a long-time English teacher in the Grafton School system, has a bone to pick with digital smiley faces. “It is not grammatically correct to have a colon -- or semi-colon for that matter, followed by a dash and closed parenthesis!” She holds up her tattered dog-eared copy of Strunk and White’s The Elements of Style as she makes her case. “And another thing,” she said “texting is not a word...it sends me into a tizzy when I hear it” she said as veins pulsed in her neck. “Text cannot be made into a verb form no matter what Verizon says.” To make this point in class, Schmidt uses humor to get student’s attention by saying things like “I am totally Englishing on this” and “I am all about nouning.”

Ironically, Schmidt’s in-class antics are driving an underground language called “Schmidtish”, which is spreading across Worcester County. She is also writing a book on her teaching approach that unbeknownst to her could bring the English language as she knows it to a screeching halt among Grafton 11 to 15 year olds by 2011.

Spike in Real Estate Sales Attributed to Seekonk Relocators

Local real estate agent, Chris Warner, says Grafton home sales have increased 22% over the past few months. “There are many residents from Seekonk who are looking for homes within walking distance to the Municipal Center” she said with a puzzled look on her face. When this came up at a recent BOS meeting, the TA just shrugged his shoulders, opened his eyes wide and said, “I don’t know what that’s about but I’ll get right on it.”

Does This Gazebo Make Me Look Fat?

Just be honest. I can’t stand the way I look in this Gazebo – I think it makes my butt look big, do you? Really, there is no wrong answer here. But the Gazebo is large and round so it really should make me look tall and thin in comparison. But maybe it’s not the Gazebo…maybe I’m really fat. Maybe I really need to stop eating large vanilla cones with blue goo. What do you think? But then again I usually don’t look too fat in trellises, pavilions, or on decks. Yah you’re right… I think it’s just that damn Gazebo on the common. So I didn’t quite get your answer, did you say it makes me look fat or did you lie and say it doesn’t? Are you even listening?

Precocious Child Giving Her Parents to the Count of 3 Before Throwing Tantrum

After hearing her parents say “If I count to 3 and you don’t come here, you’ll get a time-out,” over 300 times, four year old Kaysie Keller of Grafton turned the tables on her parents. Kaysie calmly said, “If you don’t let me read another book on the count of 3, I will throw myself on the floor screaming…1…2…” and by 3 her parents did as she said. They said her approach seemed reasonable at the time, but now find themselves subject to time-outs, no desserts, and constant feedback on their parenting skills. “We really don’t know how this all happened” they whispered from the naughty mat, “but we’re thrilled that the tantrums have stopped.” They hope that Kaysie will grow out of it, but until then, it’s lights out at 8:00.

Resident admits enjoying bad weather and celebrity deaths so he can talk about something other than Stupid Green Bags

Grafton resident George Colbera was secretly delighted with 2 things: weeks of constant rain and the rash of celebrity deaths in the news. Does he love rain? No. Did he get pleasure in the deaths of entertainment icons? No. He just can’t stand talking about those stupid green trash bags. Colbera says “I'm so glad to have something else to talk about and now that July 1 has come and gone, maybe we can get back to talking about what really matters – like economic collapse, environmental perils and what’s up with Jon and Kate."

Senator John McCain Implicated in Death of Mr. Potato Head

Late yesterday, John McCain was questioned by Grafton Police after incriminating photos of the "couple" surfaced on the web. McCain and Head (also known as P. Heddy) were seen together on several occasions and sources inside Republican Party said that Head threatened to come forward with intimate details of an alleged affair during the presidential campaign. McCain denies any wrongdoing and said “I am saddened by the death of my friend.” Forensic experts have noticed the similarity of features in the photo and are speculating that Potato Head may be the son of the Senator. And to futher confuse the situation, a spokesperson for Sarah Palin raised red flags by saying "Ms. Palin's resignation is not connected to Head's death."

Garlic reporters are also tracking another angle -- that the motive for murder was revenge. Sources show that John McCain is distantly related to Harrison McCain, Chairman of potato giant McCain Fries. Advertising firm Ogilvy & Mather told reporters that Harrison McCain was negotiating a lucrative deal with P Heddy to be the new brand spokespotato -- which was expected to double fry sales. But was there been bad blood between the McCains fueling the Senator's desire for revenge and ultimately murder? Perhaps. There is evidence that the McCains had a dispute over copyright infringement on their eerily similar logos which cost the Senator a hefty $1B. A pre-schooler accident? Washington greed & revenge? A Palin plot to get the heat off of her? A totally fabricated story by a lunatic reporter? You decide.

Mr. Potato Head Found Dead and Dismembered at 57

Mr. Potato Head, best known for his comeback role in the 1999 movie ToyStory2 and the pitchman for Playskool’s Mr. Potato Head toy line, was found dead yesterday by a Nanny in a North Grafton Home. “His body parts were strewn across the playroom floor” said a teary Nanny in an exclusive interview with Garlic Reporters. Police Lt. Joe Shishco said, “The evidence leads me to believe that Head’s death was not accidental.” The main suspects are 5 year old April and 3 year old Tyler Bartoni who lived in the house with Head prior to the alleged murder. “Evidence is mounting against the preschoolers” says Lt. Shishco whose search uncovered a bin of ill-treated toys including a headless Barbie and a one armed Polly Pocket. Head’s remains have been stored in a compartment in his rear-end until an autopsy can be performed. Mrs. Potato Head has also been contacted for questioning, but is missing her lips and unable to comment.

BOS say "Global Warming" too pleasant sounding. They recommend “Skin Searing Fireball of Death.”

After the most ambitious climate-change legislation ever introduced in Congress passed this week, the Board of Selectman got caught up in the moment and announced that the term “Global Warming” is too namby-pamby for our town. “It sounds like a nice cup of hot chocolate after a walk in the snow” said a female Selectman who wished to remain anonymous. “We need something that really captures the attention of the town and the nation.” Under consideration are “Worldwide Scorching”, “Skin Searing Fireball of Death”, “Doomed Planet” and “Your Grandkids Will Die.” After the BOS pick the winning name, they will open it up to a town meeting vote and then go with the name they picked anyway.

I-HOP Pancakes Selling Like Hotcakes

International House of Pancakes annual report says that pancakes are “selling like hotcakes.” Industry experts questioned the claim in light of the 20% decline in pancake sales year to date. CEO Julia Stuart says, “Well, that may be true, but you can’t argue with the fact that they are selling at the same rate that hotcakes are selling.” Industry Analysts are working through the two conflicting data points but IHOP executives stand behind the metric. “I’m not sure what’s driving the confusion” says IHOP Statistician Richard Lo, “Math doesn’t lie…there is a ratio of 1 hotcake sold for 1 pancake sold giving us a very consistent metric.” The debate continues but stockholders are quite happy with last week's 32% increase in price.

Vegetables Getting Nervous as Farmers Market Approaches

With the launch of Grafton's Farmers Market nearing, chatter from local vegetables has swelled to ear-deafening levels. Tomatoes have been escaping off the vines in record breaking numbers and those left behind have been put on the anxiety-reducing drug Lexipro.

While some are panicking, Tomato spokesman, "Big" Bigboy says other veggies need a wake-up call. “They’ve been brainwashed into looking forward to nice caprese salads and other fresh seasonal dishes” he says, “and they need to have someone yell into…well…wherever they hear from…that their life is basically OVER!” Others cope by attending all night cucumber keg parties to start the pickling process, and some simply avoid eye contact with anyone who walks by. A group of peas are contemplating getting their own table at the Farmer’s Market to promote perfectly edible chemical, fat, sugar and sodium filled foods.

Whatever the strategy, most of the local vegetables are lining up to buy big insurance policies from Gaudette. When Agents ask about the beneficiary, they quietly pull out a few seeds out and slide them across the table with a knowing look.

A man calling himself Rod Smith named as Temporary DPW Director

In a surprise move at the last BOS meeting, the Town Administrator announced that Rod Smith would assume the role of temporary DPW Director. The TA said, “Smith said he was a good friend of mine from kindergarten in Chicago” where the TA's family lived prior to relocating to Lowell. And in an attempt to bring levity to a tense meeting moment, the TA joked that he "vaguely recalled Smith's ability to follow simple instructions and had the alphabet nailed."

“But seriously, I did a pretty comprehensive Google search this time...and although I found a lot of Rod Smiths on Wikipedia” the TA said, “the most obvious match was the State Senator from Florida." In response to BOS asking why the Senator would take a step down from his current role, the TA said “Smith mentioned something about wanting to get a fresh start in a new state.” In the final minutes of the BOS meeting, the TA added, "I could be wrong, but my gut tells me this is a no-brainer for the town."

Recycling Committee holds Town Garage Sale suspiciously close to “Clean Out Day”

After an overwhelming amount of junk was dropped on town officials on Saturday, they needed to act quickly. Someone came up with a great idea: “Forget about PAYT, let’s sell junk back to the residents!” That set in motion a secret plan to have a giant town junk sale. Mysterious “Garage Sale” signs were seen around the town directing people to the High School lot again on Sunday.
The plan fell short of expectations according to an inside source. The town made about $40 dollars on the venture and said it was going to use the proceeds alleviate the cost of PAYT bags. That amounted to about 4/10ths of a penny per bag for 1 week. Because it’s difficult to charge penny fractions, they decided to reduce the cost by a full penny and take the hit for the taxpayers.

"Dead End" narrowly defeated by "Not a Through Way"

After "Not a Through Way" gave it's Best Sign acceptance speech for streets with no outlets, "Dead End" supporters flocked to the streets protesting the validity of the election. "Not a Through Way" advocates scoffed at the accusation showing exit polls favoring their candidate. After "Not a Through Way" was endorsed by the local DPW last month, "Dead End" began a grass-roots campaign in many of the town's cul-de-sacs. "Not a Through Way" made campaign promises to remove morbidity from signs while "Dead End" ran on a traditional "if it ain't broke" sign values platform. Since the election, "Dead End" is now regrouping with party leaders to see how they can re-engergize their party with new names like "No Way Out" or "You're F'd."

Grafton Police Arresting Each Other to Use New Police Station

With the crime rate in Grafton so low and a huge police station to fill, Grafton police have been itching to use the new facilities. Sergeant Bruce Arnoldi came up with a novel idea. “If I can catch officers breaking the law and throw the book at them, then we can all get some practice” he told Garlic reporters.

Arnoldi and his partner entered the Grafton home of Officer Ron Shandling last Saturday morning in full SWAT attire. They pulled the sleeping Sergeant to his feet, slapped cuffs on him, read him his rights and brought him to the station for booking. He was charged with “idleness”, a crime on the books from Puritan times when napping was a crime. A giggling Shandling was not so happy a month later when it cost him $6,000 in legal fees to remove the arrest from his record.

In the meantime, enterprising town officials approved other uses for the station including: police themed birthday parties, a dog kennel for Tufts Vet School, a “Chip and Dales” style police strip show, temporary classrooms for high school math, and a new Bravo reality TV show called “No Crime, No Time.”

83 Year Old Man Carded at Liquor Store

After traveling ½ mile to a Grafton liquor store with nothing but a walker and a tote bag, 83 yr old John Delmont was carded and turned away when he couldn’t prove his age. The frustrated Delmont showed his WW2 tattoo, quoted lines from “Citizen Kane”, and tried to convince the man behind the counter that minimum wage was 43 cents an hour when he was young. The clerk, believing this was a local Police sting operation, tried to pull off Delmont’s mask and was alarmed when all he got was a handful of real skin. The determined Delmont walked to a Millbury liquor store and when he returned, he showed off his sunburn and blisters to friends as they sipped their warm but well deserved wine coolers.

Golf-ball Sized Hail Confused Highfields Homeowners

The golf-ball sized hail that hit Grafton last week created confusion among homeowners on the town’s golf course. Robert Smith of Magill Drive was sure that golf balls were hitting his new home causing damage to his roof and car. Even after the hailstorm articles appeared in the paper, he quite never made the connection. Smith was forced to explain to his insurance company that the damage must have come from a group of novice golfers who hit “dogleg left” shots simultaneously. His claim was denied.

Building Inspector Denies Permit to Self

The Grafton Building Inspector insisted that his wife rip out a new kitchen and bathroom renovation citing a code violation; the joists were 1/80th inch off square. He was confident that this move would vindicate him from all the negative press surrounding his recent performance.

Pay As You…

A Grafton area man was inspired by the new Pay as You Throw (PAYT) fees as a means to get Grafton back in better financial shape. He brought a list of other fee generating activities to the Board of Selectman meeting last Friday. Among the ideas presented were: PAYC (pay as you caffinate) for Dunkin drive-thru customers, PAYP (pay as you pay) adding an additional purchase fee to the PAYT trash bags and PAYEK (pay as you enter kindergarten) which would take the lunch money from 5 year olds. The Board reluctantly threw out a PAYCATM (pay as you complain at town meetings) after a 30 minute discussion on the merits of the idea.

Grafton News sticks tongue out at Grafton Times

In a fight for subscribers and advertising revenue, the Grafton News stooped to a new low. It stuck its tongue out at the other news source in town. Things turned ugly after a slap fight escalated to a round of “did not, did toos”. The Community Advocate finally broke things up by sending them to their rooms to think about their actions.