Tuesday, September 6, 2011

Selectman "Leaning Toward New Library" Was Just Leaning in Chair says Library Opponent

Many of Grafton’s citizens are debating whether or not to approve a $7m library expansion during these tough economic times. Selectman Brooke Padgett was leaning in his chair just as he was saying “I am leaning toward the Library Expansion Project.”  Library challengers believe Padgett meant that his body was leaning toward 35 Grafton Common, not that he is an expansion advocate.  Library card holder, Tyler Tome disagrees.  He said he thinks the Selectman will endorse the funding but fears that Padget will utter the phrase “I will totally support the library project” and get slapped with an extra $7 million dollars on his next quarterly tax bill.

Wednesday, October 20, 2010

Stop&Shop Store Manager Admits to Rearranging Grafton Store Just to “Mess With People’s Heads”

Last week, Stop&Shop Store Manager John Chow uploaded a store security video to his Facebook page showing shoppers wandering aimlessly with the caption “LOL.”    After a grueling 2 minute interview with local reporters, Chow admitted that it was not a potential increase in sales driving his decision to rearrange the store.  “My job can get kind of boring.  It’s all order food, sell food, order more food,” he said, “and screwing with people is so much more fun.”   When asked if he thinks he’ll see a boost in sales, he said, “Well, I doubt it.  I mean it’s really all of the same junk in a different place.”   

Friday, June 11, 2010

Superintendent Demands Larger Office to Hold Oversized Check

The celebration after State Treasurer Tim Cahill presented a $36,583,271 check for Grafton's new school was short-lived. School Superintendent Connors used the occasion to publicly demand a larger office. "I'm going to need a HUGE filing cabinet to keep a check of this size...and where am I supposed to sit then?" he said. He argued that if banks get funds to buy gigantic processing equipment to cash big cardboard checks, then the School Department should be able to get some resources. One of the Selectman asked him to "suck it up" and try bending the check to make it fit into the existing file cabinets. He wasn't happy with the response but said he could live live with it temporarily.

Sunday, May 9, 2010

Depressed Unemployed Man Thankful for Unvarying Green Light at Quinsigamond Corner

Joe Reed of Grafton had a tough year. He lost his accounting job, had back surgery, and his home went into foreclosure. But there is one thing that keeps him going -- the constant green arrow at the intersection of Rte 122 and Rte 140. “I never thought much about it until one day I found myself feeling almost giddy as I cruised through the light,” Reed admitted. He is also buoyed by the absence of any traffic lights up by the common. “I just love the feeling of speeding past those damn people trying to cross 140. They may have jobs and homes, but for a few seconds a day, I'm the boss,"  he said.

Wednesday, March 10, 2010

Building Inspector Nervous as Budget Cuts Threaten to Leave Him With...Um...One Full Time Job

When the Town Administrator initially proposed cutting the Inspector job to part time, a chill went down the Building Inspector's spine. “That would leave me with only 2 part-time inspector jobs!” he complained into Dunkin’s drive-thru microphone. A Garlic reporter who moonlights at Dunkins jumped on the opportunity to ask how he manages a full-time job in Grafton and a part-time job in Northborough. He replied, “The Nobo job is pretty easy since it’s what I did for many years. The Grafton job is a bit trickier because I know just enough about building codes to be dangerous, but a hell of lot more than the average moron homeowner… wait…did I say that out loud?” The interview ended abruptly as he peeled out of the parking lot leaving his Dunkaccino and coveted "FAIL" stamp behind.

Sunday, January 31, 2010

Toyota Seizes Opportunity to use Grafton's Traffic Dummy for Crash Testing

When Toyota Engineer Dodge E. Pedils got wind of how often the traffic dummy near the common was struck by a car, he thought he could be a company hero. “By putting crash test technology right in the dummy we can get lots of statistics on accidents, and then report how many of these cars are not Toyotas,” he says. After installing a test system in the barrels last week, they have reported that 1 in 50 cars actually hit the dummy, most are not Toyotas, and only 1 in 1000 have a BOS sticker on it. Pedils added “We may have caused a few deaths recently, but we think that the American people deserve to know how unsafe other cars are – and are thankful to the town of Grafton for helping us tell our story.”

Thursday, January 14, 2010

Garlic Announces Launch of Sutton Squash and Auburn Avocado

Taking a cue from a local online news organization which has recently expanded to other towns, Garlic owner AJ Aglio decided to "spread garlic" by launching "The Squash" and the "Avocado" for Sutton and Auburn.  Garlic's self-educated CFO Iman Dett says "Hey, if we can make no money in one town, why not make no money in other towns?  Others may call it "economies of scale" but I just like to call it...well...can I get back to you on that?"  Satirical news sites for other local towns like Hopkinton and Shrewsbury are reportedly delayed due to lack of catchy vegetable names.  Insiders say Garlic's creative team has moved on to unhealthy meats and may go with "Hopkinton Hotdog" and "Shrewsbury Spam."  Also, Garlic's rumored slogan (for which lawyers are poised to sue for copyright infringement) "Satirical serenity is our policy, Annoying every elected official in Massachusetts is our goal" has not been verified. 

Sunday, November 29, 2009

Local Woman Throws out Leftover Turkey to Protest Cruel Treatment of Poultry

After eating a huge turkey dinner with stuffing, cranberry gelatin and bean casserole, June Jensen felt guilty. “I’ve read that turkey chicks never see their mothers, are raised in the dark in tiny crates, and are fattened to the point where they can barely walk,” she said. To protest this cruel treatment, Jensen then threw out threw a 2 lb bag of mostly dark meat turkey. “It’s a small gesture, but maybe that is how change can start,” she added. For her upcoming Holiday buffet, Jensen is planning to throw out her roast, ham and chicken leftovers before they hit the fridge. “Enough is enough,” she said.

Monday, November 23, 2009

Grafton Speaks: What did you think about graftontimes.com switching back to free subscriptions?

R. Rabinowitz - Golfball Salesman
The letter from them was so sincere about wanting to serve the community.  I think it mentioned how they lost ad revenue because they had less subscribers willing to pay - right?  I'm sure it did, wait, let me read it again.

S. Raphael- Stay at Home Grammy
Typical media.  They wine and dine you with content then make you pay dutch. And when you finally leave them, they come groveling back saying they have changed. But they are so darn cute, you end up taking them right back.

B. Little - Consultant
They totally had me sold on the 7 cents a day thing. I actually stopped donating to a homeless child in Africa to pay for my news. Now, thanks to their change of heart, I can help someone in need.

Wednesday, November 11, 2009

Alien Sighting Increase After Cotton Calls Grafton "Best Town in Universe"

Since last week, when Selectwoman Cotton upgraded Grafton from "Best Town in the World" to "Best Town in the Universe," police logs show a spike in alien/UFO calls.   Resident Mary Contraire reported an unnaturally bright "electronic looking" flashing light on Rte 140.  "Maybe the lights are aliens who want to move here after hearing how great our town is" she said.  Others think that perhaps aliens may be looking to sabotage the community and demote Grafton back to #1 in the world.  "Recent negative events like swine flu outbreak, business closings and vague school superintendent goals point to something a bit more sinister" says another selectman.  Local contractor Bill Derr spotted a suspicious looking figure wearing a building inspector hat and badge.   "Has to be alien in disguise," he says.  Insiders say the TA is optimistic about the sightings and sees aliens as an untapped revenue source for the town.

Saturday, October 17, 2009

Poor Showing at “Be A Parent Not A Pal” Leads to Deceptive “Family Beer Night”

After a poor turnout at Be a Parent, Not a Pal class on underage drinking, some initially thought it might have something to do with the preachy course name. Committee Chair John Mullier disagreed. “Compared to the original proposal: You Suck As A Parent, We Will Help You Suck Less, the title is pretty mild.” said Mullier. He now admits, however, that those who serve alcohol to minors are not likely to come to this kind of course at the High School. He is now considering an alternate approach -- a town event called Family Beer Night. “That should smoke out the truly ignorant parents we're looking for.” he said.

Sunday, October 11, 2009

Garlic’s No-Revenue Model: Real or Evil Plot?

After Grafton’s main online news source switched to “pay-for-content” this week, many are questioning how The Garlic (Grafton’s online news spoof) can afford to deliver content. “There is no advertising or subscription revenue that I can discern,” says Media Analyst Sean Heinkel. “Perhaps they are doing it to bring levity to the town, but I seriously doubt it,” he added. Some residents have heard rumors that The Garlic is looking to lure fans, somehow get them chemically addicted to the blog, shut down the site and demand 1 million dollars. Board of Health Inspector Mavis Lane warns Grafton residents to consume these blog posts in moderation to “ward off addiction.” The Garlic CEO has not been available for comment but has been spotted around town spending tens of dollars at Treasures Thrift store, buying extra PAYT bags and laughing maniacally-- signaling to the town a diabolical optimism about future Garlic earnings.

Thursday, September 17, 2009

K. Whynot persuades local McDonald's to offer new “McMansion Meal”

After years of belittling Grafton residents who purchase homes in new developments, local writer Kay Whynot sought to make amends. He worked with McDonald’s Manager Cal Oreigh to develop a new product just for Grafton – the McMansion Meal. The meal comes in a large colonial shaped box and comes with a cheeseburger, fries, large drink, and a toy mortgage document. Whynot said “I thought it would be fitting to charge a little extra for the meal and make people put it on a credit card.” A small percent of sales will go to the Board of Selectman's Hot Cocoa budget for cold-patch/plowing parties on unfinished developments. Whynot is also busy developing a new line of McSoccerMom and McSUV meals scheduled to launch in October.

Wednesday, September 2, 2009

Data Geek Has Good Time Turning Police Logs into Pie Charts

Business Analyst Chris Anzer doesn’t stop work at 5:00pm. When he gets home from a long day analyzing financial services data, he trolls websites looking for fun data to make into charts and graphs. Anzer hit the jackpot yesterday when he stumbled upon an electronic version of Grafton’s police log.

He told Garlic Reporters, “After crunching the data, I thought I’d see the majority of officer time spent on underage drinking stings, murder, theft and counterfeiting that have made recent headlines… but instead I found that the top transgression in town is a motor vehicle stop.” His conclusion: The big crime problem in Grafton is speeding and that Grafton is lucky to have enormous police speed trapping resources.

Anzer has offered more detailed crime trends to local Police Chief for a small cut of the motor vehicle stop fees (which he calculated at upwards of $4,000.) He quickly followed that offer with “just kidding” for fear of being a statistic in next week’s log.

Monday, August 24, 2009

Three Cheers for the Building Inspector who Drummed Seedy Massage Business Out of Town

Thank goodness that our Building Inspector is cracking down on the red light district in our town. If not for him, our most innocent residents would unwittingly violate a bylaw not to mention their morals by walking into a disgusting massage establishment. Even the local police have become desensitized to bylaw offenders by inviting R&R Massage (formerly Hands of an Angel) to display their risqué chair message techniques during the Police Night Out town event. So if you are not a big fan of the Building Inspector, put your criticisms aside for a minute and join me in a heartfelt thank you. The last thing our town needs is revenue from a morally offensive business.
This Advertisement was paid for by "Clean up Our Small Towns by Making it Real Hard for Businesses to Succeed" Foundation of America

Friday, August 21, 2009

Babbling Brook Utters First Words

The 50 year old babbling brook running through town has started to form its first words. Residents reporting hearing a very faint “Ma Ma” and “Zebo” along with some unintelligible words that sounded oddly similar to BOS meetings when speakers don’t use microphones.

The proud mother, Lake Ripple, has been talking non-stop about her "little Brooky" to anyone who will listen. She is pleased that her brook is developing normally but wants to make sure it stays away from local sewers to prevent early exposure to foul language.

Monday, August 17, 2009

Snopes.com reports that “U 1st Safely” campaign could be a Hoax

An article on Snopes.com (which uncovers media hoaxes) confirmed that the Grafton News “U 1st Safely” driver courtesy campaign must be a hoax. The campaign is intended to make the town a nicer place by encouraging drivers to let cars pull out ahead of them when there is heavy traffic on Route 140. “There is no way that this could be real” says Snopes Junior Researcher Justin Kupper originally from Upton, MA. “I mean come on, we all know what happens when we stop on 140. The car behind us gets impatient, hits the gas and passes on the right.” He speculates that if this were a real story, it could cause a rash of serious accidents. But Kupper gives the Grafton News the benefit of the doubt. He says “ even if it turns out to be a true story, I’m sure the newspaper has good intentions for the community…but maybe went from brainstorming in the break room to execution a bit too quickly?”

Wednesday, August 12, 2009

BOS Refusal to Pay $600 Fire Station Bill Puts Builder at Risk of Financial Collapse

After spending $5.5 million for a new fire station, the Board of Selectman really put the screws to the builder by declining a bill for $600 to fix the pavement so Ladder 1 could leave the station. “This really puts our business in jeopardy” says A.P. Whitaker, owner of the company who built the station. He did a quick calculation on his blackberry showing that the $600 was equal to 1/10th of one percent of the total project cost. “That’s too much for us to absorb...and frankly it’s really not our fault that the truck couldn't leave the station.” He then added, “If someone builds you a garage, is it their fault if your Chevy Suburban won’t fit? I think not.” He says he doesn’t mind the public scolding but would prefer not to have his company's future compromised over this.

Tuesday, August 4, 2009

Summer Rental Still Available for Middle School Modular Classrooms

With the popularity of “staycations” on the rise, the Secondary School Building Committee came up with a great idea. “We can rent out the modular classrooms for those who don’t mind roughing it a little bit but want to get out of the house” says the committee chair. He adds, “it’s a win-win…it will help us offset the costs of building a new school and bring business to the community.” A one week stay will cost vacationers about $50K but will include a blow up pool, a coupon for a free cone at Swirls & Scoops and a free pass to “Construction Camp” where vacationers can participate in getting the class rooms ready for the fall.

Wednesday, July 22, 2009

Mystery Couple Trashes Room at The Grafton Inn

A couple checked into the Grafton Inn last Saturday as "Kath and Barry McLoughan" for what they said was "a weekend away from our stressful jobs." After they checked out the next day, the Inn’s owners were shocked by the condition of the McLoughan's room. Everything in the room was systematically disassembled from the bed frame to the plumbing. Local Police Sgt June B. Jones also found suspicious charred remains of a book in the fireplace. As of today, the only lead the police have to go on is a picture of the mystery couple snapped that night. “We will get to the bottom of this” says Sgt. Jones who is also doing some handwriting analysis on some wall scribbles that said “downhill my ass.“ The new owners are perplexed and told reporters “clearly the couple was trying to send some sort of message but we can’t for the life of us figure it out what it was.”

Saturday, July 18, 2009

Gross Pink Mattress Edging Out Gazebo as Town Symbol

The old smelly pink mattress that has been sitting out for weeks on Old Westborough Road is close to becoming a new town symbol for Grafton. The Grafton News and graftontimes.com are considering changing the gazebo logo to a dirty pink mattress. "Recently, when people think of Grafton, they think -- disgusting mattress" says one editor.

The Board of Selectmen say that while the stinky mattress doesn't represent the history and quaintness of Grafton, it does represent how unhappy residents are over recent trash fees. The TA recommended replacing the Gazebo with the mattress temporarily to show residents that town officials are listening

Thursday, July 16, 2009

Local Teacher Says “That Darn Colon, Dash & Parenthesis Smiley Face is Grammatically Incorrect”

Jane Schmidt, a long-time English teacher in the Grafton School system, has a bone to pick with digital smiley faces. “It is not grammatically correct to have a colon -- or semi-colon for that matter, followed by a dash and closed parenthesis!” She holds up her tattered dog-eared copy of Strunk and White’s The Elements of Style as she makes her case. “And another thing,” she said “texting is not a word...it sends me into a tizzy when I hear it” she said as veins pulsed in her neck. “Text cannot be made into a verb form no matter what Verizon says.” To make this point in class, Schmidt uses humor to get student’s attention by saying things like “I am totally Englishing on this” and “I am all about nouning.”

Ironically, Schmidt’s in-class antics are driving an underground language called “Schmidtish”, which is spreading across Worcester County. She is also writing a book on her teaching approach that unbeknownst to her could bring the English language as she knows it to a screeching halt among Grafton 11 to 15 year olds by 2011.

Monday, July 13, 2009

Spike in Real Estate Sales Attributed to Seekonk Relocators

Local real estate agent, Chris Warner, says Grafton home sales have increased 22% over the past few months. “There are many residents from Seekonk who are looking for homes within walking distance to the Municipal Center” she said with a puzzled look on her face. When this came up at a recent BOS meeting, the TA just shrugged his shoulders, opened his eyes wide and said, “I don’t know what that’s about but I’ll get right on it.”

Does This Gazebo Make Me Look Fat?

Just be honest. I can’t stand the way I look in this Gazebo – I think it makes my butt look big, do you? Really, there is no wrong answer here. But the Gazebo is large and round so it really should make me look tall and thin in comparison. But maybe it’s not the Gazebo…maybe I’m really fat. Maybe I really need to stop eating large vanilla cones with blue goo. What do you think? But then again I usually don’t look too fat in trellises, pavilions, or on decks. Yah you’re right… I think it’s just that damn Gazebo on the common. So I didn’t quite get your answer, did you say it makes me look fat or did you lie and say it doesn’t? Are you even listening?

Saturday, July 11, 2009

Precocious Child Giving Her Parents to the Count of 3 Before Throwing Tantrum

After hearing her parents say “If I count to 3 and you don’t come here, you’ll get a time-out,” over 300 times, four year old Kaysie Keller of Grafton turned the tables on her parents. Kaysie calmly said, “If you don’t let me read another book on the count of 3, I will throw myself on the floor screaming…1…2…” and by 3 her parents did as she said. They said her approach seemed reasonable at the time, but now find themselves subject to time-outs, no desserts, and constant feedback on their parenting skills. “We really don’t know how this all happened” they whispered from the naughty mat, “but we’re thrilled that the tantrums have stopped.” They hope that Kaysie will grow out of it, but until then, it’s lights out at 8:00.
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