Mystery Couple Trashes Room at The Grafton Inn

A couple checked into the Grafton Inn last Saturday as "Kath and Barry McLoughan" for what they said was "a weekend away from our stressful jobs." After they checked out the next day, the Inn’s owners were shocked by the condition of the McLoughan's room. Everything in the room was systematically disassembled from the bed frame to the plumbing. Local Police Sgt June B. Jones also found suspicious charred remains of a book in the fireplace. As of today, the only lead the police have to go on is a picture of the mystery couple snapped that night. “We will get to the bottom of this” says Sgt. Jones who is also doing some handwriting analysis on some wall scribbles that said “downhill my ass.“ The new owners are perplexed and told reporters “clearly the couple was trying to send some sort of message but we can’t for the life of us figure it out what it was.”

Gross Pink Mattress Edging Out Gazebo as Town Symbol

The old smelly pink mattress that has been sitting out for weeks on Old Westborough Road is close to becoming a new town symbol for Grafton. The Grafton News and graftontimes.com are considering changing the gazebo logo to a dirty pink mattress. "Recently, when people think of Grafton, they think -- disgusting mattress" says one editor.

The Board of Selectmen say that while the stinky mattress doesn't represent the history and quaintness of Grafton, it does represent how unhappy residents are over recent trash fees. The TA recommended replacing the Gazebo with the mattress temporarily to show residents that town officials are listening.

Local Teacher Says “That Darn Colon, Dash & Parenthesis Smiley Face is Grammatically Incorrect”

Jane Schmidt, a long-time English teacher in the Grafton School system, has a bone to pick with digital smiley faces. “It is not grammatically correct to have a colon -- or semi-colon for that matter, followed by a dash and closed parenthesis!” She holds up her tattered dog-eared copy of Strunk and White’s The Elements of Style as she makes her case. “And another thing,” she said “texting is not a word...it sends me into a tizzy when I hear it” she said as veins pulsed in her neck. “Text cannot be made into a verb form no matter what Verizon says.” To make this point in class, Schmidt uses humor to get student’s attention by saying things like “I am totally Englishing on this” and “I am all about nouning.”

Ironically, Schmidt’s in-class antics are driving an underground language called “Schmidtish”, which is spreading across Worcester County. She is also writing a book on her teaching approach that unbeknownst to her could bring the English language as she knows it to a screeching halt among Grafton 11 to 15 year olds by 2011.

Spike in Real Estate Sales Attributed to Seekonk Relocators

Local real estate agent, Chris Warner, says Grafton home sales have increased 22% over the past few months. “There are many residents from Seekonk who are looking for homes within walking distance to the Municipal Center” she said with a puzzled look on her face. When this came up at a recent BOS meeting, the TA just shrugged his shoulders, opened his eyes wide and said, “I don’t know what that’s about but I’ll get right on it.”

Does This Gazebo Make Me Look Fat?

Just be honest. I can’t stand the way I look in this Gazebo – I think it makes my butt look big, do you? Really, there is no wrong answer here. But the Gazebo is large and round so it really should make me look tall and thin in comparison. But maybe it’s not the Gazebo…maybe I’m really fat. Maybe I really need to stop eating large vanilla cones with blue goo. What do you think? But then again I usually don’t look too fat in trellises, pavilions, or on decks. Yah you’re right… I think it’s just that damn Gazebo on the common. So I didn’t quite get your answer, did you say it makes me look fat or did you lie and say it doesn’t? Are you even listening?

Precocious Child Giving Her Parents to the Count of 3 Before Throwing Tantrum

After hearing her parents say “If I count to 3 and you don’t come here, you’ll get a time-out,” over 300 times, four year old Kaysie Keller of Grafton turned the tables on her parents. Kaysie calmly said, “If you don’t let me read another book on the count of 3, I will throw myself on the floor screaming…1…2…” and by 3 her parents did as she said. They said her approach seemed reasonable at the time, but now find themselves subject to time-outs, no desserts, and constant feedback on their parenting skills. “We really don’t know how this all happened” they whispered from the naughty mat, “but we’re thrilled that the tantrums have stopped.” They hope that Kaysie will grow out of it, but until then, it’s lights out at 8:00.

Resident admits enjoying bad weather and celebrity deaths so he can talk about something other than Stupid Green Bags

Grafton resident George Colbera was secretly delighted with 2 things: weeks of constant rain and the rash of celebrity deaths in the news. Does he love rain? No. Did he get pleasure in the deaths of entertainment icons? No. He just can’t stand talking about those stupid green trash bags. Colbera says “I'm so glad to have something else to talk about and now that July 1 has come and gone, maybe we can get back to talking about what really matters – like economic collapse, environmental perils and what’s up with Jon and Kate."

Senator John McCain Implicated in Death of Mr. Potato Head

Late yesterday, John McCain was questioned by Grafton Police after incriminating photos of the "couple" surfaced on the web. McCain and Head (also known as P. Heddy) were seen together on several occasions and sources inside Republican Party said that Head threatened to come forward with intimate details of an alleged affair during the presidential campaign. McCain denies any wrongdoing and said “I am saddened by the death of my friend.” Forensic experts have noticed the similarity of features in the photo and are speculating that Potato Head may be the son of the Senator. And to futher confuse the situation, a spokesperson for Sarah Palin raised red flags by saying "Ms. Palin's resignation is not connected to Head's death."

Garlic reporters are also tracking another angle -- that the motive for murder was revenge. Sources show that John McCain is distantly related to Harrison McCain, Chairman of potato giant McCain Fries. Advertising firm Ogilvy & Mather told reporters that Harrison McCain was negotiating a lucrative deal with P Heddy to be the new brand spokespotato -- which was expected to double fry sales. But was there been bad blood between the McCains fueling the Senator's desire for revenge and ultimately murder? Perhaps. There is evidence that the McCains had a dispute over copyright infringement on their eerily similar logos which cost the Senator a hefty $1B. A pre-schooler accident? Washington greed & revenge? A Palin plot to get the heat off of her? A totally fabricated story by a lunatic reporter? You decide.

Mr. Potato Head Found Dead and Dismembered at 57

Mr. Potato Head, best known for his comeback role in the 1999 movie ToyStory2 and the pitchman for Playskool’s Mr. Potato Head toy line, was found dead yesterday by a Nanny in a North Grafton Home. “His body parts were strewn across the playroom floor” said a teary Nanny in an exclusive interview with Garlic Reporters. Police Lt. Joe Shishco said, “The evidence leads me to believe that Head’s death was not accidental.” The main suspects are 5 year old April and 3 year old Tyler Bartoni who lived in the house with Head prior to the alleged murder. “Evidence is mounting against the preschoolers” says Lt. Shishco whose search uncovered a bin of ill-treated toys including a headless Barbie and a one armed Polly Pocket. Head’s remains have been stored in a compartment in his rear-end until an autopsy can be performed. Mrs. Potato Head has also been contacted for questioning, but is missing her lips and unable to comment.

BOS say "Global Warming" too pleasant sounding. They recommend “Skin Searing Fireball of Death.”

After the most ambitious climate-change legislation ever introduced in Congress passed this week, the Board of Selectman got caught up in the moment and announced that the term “Global Warming” is too namby-pamby for our town. “It sounds like a nice cup of hot chocolate after a walk in the snow” said a female Selectman who wished to remain anonymous. “We need something that really captures the attention of the town and the nation.” Under consideration are “Worldwide Scorching”, “Skin Searing Fireball of Death”, “Doomed Planet” and “Your Grandkids Will Die.” After the BOS pick the winning name, they will open it up to a town meeting vote and then go with the name they picked anyway.

I-HOP Pancakes Selling Like Hotcakes

International House of Pancakes annual report says that pancakes are “selling like hotcakes.” Industry experts questioned the claim in light of the 20% decline in pancake sales year to date. CEO Julia Stuart says, “Well, that may be true, but you can’t argue with the fact that they are selling at the same rate that hotcakes are selling.” Industry Analysts are working through the two conflicting data points but IHOP executives stand behind the metric. “I’m not sure what’s driving the confusion” says IHOP Statistician Richard Lo, “Math doesn’t lie…there is a ratio of 1 hotcake sold for 1 pancake sold giving us a very consistent metric.” The debate continues but stockholders are quite happy with last week's 32% increase in price.

Vegetables Getting Nervous as Farmers Market Approaches

With the launch of Grafton's Farmers Market nearing, chatter from local vegetables has swelled to ear-deafening levels. Tomatoes have been escaping off the vines in record breaking numbers and those left behind have been put on the anxiety-reducing drug Lexipro.

While some are panicking, Tomato spokesman, "Big" Bigboy says other veggies need a wake-up call. “They’ve been brainwashed into looking forward to nice caprese salads and other fresh seasonal dishes” he says, “and they need to have someone yell into…well…wherever they hear from…that their life is basically OVER!” Others cope by attending all night cucumber keg parties to start the pickling process, and some simply avoid eye contact with anyone who walks by. A group of peas are contemplating getting their own table at the Farmer’s Market to promote perfectly edible chemical, fat, sugar and sodium filled foods.

Whatever the strategy, most of the local vegetables are lining up to buy big insurance policies from Gaudette. When Agents ask about the beneficiary, they quietly pull out a few seeds out and slide them across the table with a knowing look.

A man calling himself Rod Smith named as Temporary DPW Director

In a surprise move at the last BOS meeting, the Town Administrator announced that Rod Smith would assume the role of temporary DPW Director. The TA said, “Smith said he was a good friend of mine from kindergarten in Chicago” where the TA's family lived prior to relocating to Lowell. And in an attempt to bring levity to a tense meeting moment, the TA joked that he "vaguely recalled Smith's ability to follow simple instructions and had the alphabet nailed."

“But seriously, I did a pretty comprehensive Google search this time...and although I found a lot of Rod Smiths on Wikipedia” the TA said, “the most obvious match was the State Senator from Florida." In response to BOS asking why the Senator would take a step down from his current role, the TA said “Smith mentioned something about wanting to get a fresh start in a new state.” In the final minutes of the BOS meeting, the TA added, "I could be wrong, but my gut tells me this is a no-brainer for the town."

Recycling Committee holds Town Garage Sale suspiciously close to “Clean Out Day”

After an overwhelming amount of junk was dropped on town officials on Saturday, they needed to act quickly. Someone came up with a great idea: “Forget about PAYT, let’s sell junk back to the residents!” That set in motion a secret plan to have a giant town junk sale. Mysterious “Garage Sale” signs were seen around the town directing people to the High School lot again on Sunday.
The plan fell short of expectations according to an inside source. The town made about $40 dollars on the venture and said it was going to use the proceeds alleviate the cost of PAYT bags. That amounted to about 4/10ths of a penny per bag for 1 week. Because it’s difficult to charge penny fractions, they decided to reduce the cost by a full penny and take the hit for the taxpayers.

"Dead End" narrowly defeated by "Not a Through Way"

After "Not a Through Way" gave it's Best Sign acceptance speech for streets with no outlets, "Dead End" supporters flocked to the streets protesting the validity of the election. "Not a Through Way" advocates scoffed at the accusation showing exit polls favoring their candidate. After "Not a Through Way" was endorsed by the local DPW last month, "Dead End" began a grass-roots campaign in many of the town's cul-de-sacs. "Not a Through Way" made campaign promises to remove morbidity from signs while "Dead End" ran on a traditional "if it ain't broke" sign values platform. Since the election, "Dead End" is now regrouping with party leaders to see how they can re-engergize their party with new names like "No Way Out" or "You're F'd."

Grafton Police Arresting Each Other to Use New Police Station

With the crime rate in Grafton so low and a huge police station to fill, Grafton police have been itching to use the new facilities. Sergeant Bruce Arnoldi came up with a novel idea. “If I can catch officers breaking the law and throw the book at them, then we can all get some practice” he told Garlic reporters.

Arnoldi and his partner entered the Grafton home of Officer Ron Shandling last Saturday morning in full SWAT attire. They pulled the sleeping Sergeant to his feet, slapped cuffs on him, read him his rights and brought him to the station for booking. He was charged with “idleness”, a crime on the books from Puritan times when napping was a crime. A giggling Shandling was not so happy a month later when it cost him $6,000 in legal fees to remove the arrest from his record.

In the meantime, enterprising town officials approved other uses for the station including: police themed birthday parties, a dog kennel for Tufts Vet School, a “Chip and Dales” style police strip show, temporary classrooms for high school math, and a new Bravo reality TV show called “No Crime, No Time.”

83 Year Old Man Carded at Liquor Store

After traveling ½ mile to a Grafton liquor store with nothing but a walker and a tote bag, 83 yr old John Delmont was carded and turned away when he couldn’t prove his age. The frustrated Delmont showed his WW2 tattoo, quoted lines from “Citizen Kane”, and tried to convince the man behind the counter that minimum wage was 43 cents an hour when he was young. The clerk, believing this was a local Police sting operation, tried to pull off Delmont’s mask and was alarmed when all he got was a handful of real skin. The determined Delmont walked to a Millbury liquor store and when he returned, he showed off his sunburn and blisters to friends as they sipped their warm but well deserved wine coolers.

Golf-ball Sized Hail Confused Highfields Homeowners

The golf-ball sized hail that hit Grafton last week created confusion among homeowners on the town’s golf course. Robert Smith of Magill Drive was sure that golf balls were hitting his new home causing damage to his roof and car. Even after the hailstorm articles appeared in the paper, he quite never made the connection. Smith was forced to explain to his insurance company that the damage must have come from a group of novice golfers who hit “dogleg left” shots simultaneously. His claim was denied.

Building Inspector Denies Permit to Self

The Grafton Building Inspector insisted that his wife rip out a new kitchen and bathroom renovation citing a code violation; the joists were 1/80th inch off square. He was confident that this move would vindicate him from all the negative press surrounding his recent performance.

Pay As You…

A Grafton area man was inspired by the new Pay as You Throw (PAYT) fees as a means to get Grafton back in better financial shape. He brought a list of other fee generating activities to the Board of Selectman meeting last Friday. Among the ideas presented were: PAYC (pay as you caffinate) for Dunkin drive-thru customers, PAYP (pay as you pay) adding an additional purchase fee to the PAYT trash bags and PAYEK (pay as you enter kindergarten) which would take the lunch money from 5 year olds. The Board reluctantly threw out a PAYCATM (pay as you complain at town meetings) after a 30 minute discussion on the merits of the idea.

Grafton News sticks tongue out at Grafton Times

In a fight for subscribers and advertising revenue, the Grafton News stooped to a new low. It stuck its tongue out at the other news source in town. Things turned ugly after a slap fight escalated to a round of “did not, did toos”. The Community Advocate finally broke things up by sending them to their rooms to think about their actions.