Stop&Shop Store Manager Admits to Rearranging Grafton Store Just to “Mess With People’s Heads”

Last week, Stop&Shop Store Manager John Chow uploaded a store security video to his Facebook page showing shoppers wandering aimlessly with the caption “LOL.”    After a grueling 2 minute interview with local reporters, Chow admitted that it was not a potential increase in sales driving his decision to rearrange the store.  “My job can get kind of boring.  It’s all order food, sell food, order more food,” he said, “and screwing with people is so much more fun.”   When asked if he thinks he’ll see a boost in sales, he said, “Well, I doubt it.  I mean it’s really all of the same junk in a different place.”   

Superintendent Demands Larger Office to Hold Oversized Check

The celebration after State Treasurer Tim Cahill presented a $36,583,271 check for Grafton's new school was short-lived. School Superintendent Connors used the occasion to publicly demand a larger office. "I'm going to need a HUGE filing cabinet to keep a check of this size...and where am I supposed to sit then?" he said. He argued that if banks get funds to buy gigantic processing equipment to cash big cardboard checks, then the School Department should be able to get some resources. One of the Selectman asked him to "suck it up" and try bending the check to make it fit into the existing file cabinets. He wasn't happy with the response but said he could live live with it temporarily.

Depressed Unemployed Man Thankful for Unvarying Green Light at Quinsigamond Corner

Joe Reed of Grafton had a tough year. He lost his accounting job, had back surgery, and his home went into foreclosure. But there is one thing that keeps him going -- the constant green arrow at the intersection of Rte 122 and Rte 140. “I never thought much about it until one day I found myself feeling almost giddy as I cruised through the light,” Reed admitted. He is also buoyed by the absence of any traffic lights up by the common. “I just love the feeling of speeding past those damn people trying to cross 140. They may have jobs and homes, but for a few seconds a day, I'm the boss,"  he said.

Building Inspector Nervous as Budget Cuts Threaten to Leave Him With...Um...One Full Time Job

When the Town Administrator initially proposed cutting the Inspector job to part time, a chill went down the Building Inspector's spine. “That would leave me with only 2 part-time inspector jobs!” he complained into Dunkin’s drive-thru microphone. A Garlic reporter who moonlights at Dunkins jumped on the opportunity to ask how he manages a full-time job in Grafton and a part-time job in Northborough. He replied, “The Nobo job is pretty easy since it’s what I did for many years. The Grafton job is a bit trickier because I know just enough about building codes to be dangerous, but a hell of lot more than the average moron homeowner… wait…did I say that out loud?” The interview ended abruptly as he peeled out of the parking lot leaving his Dunkaccino and coveted "FAIL" stamp behind.

Toyota Seizes Opportunity to use Grafton's Traffic Dummy for Crash Testing

When Toyota Engineer Dodge E. Pedils got wind of how often the traffic dummy near the common was struck by a car, he thought he could be a company hero. “By putting crash test technology right in the dummy we can get lots of statistics on accidents, and then report how many of these cars are not Toyotas,” he says. After installing a test system in the barrels last week, they have reported that 1 in 50 cars actually hit the dummy, most are not Toyotas, and only 1 in 1000 have a BOS sticker on it. Pedils added “We may have caused a few deaths recently, but we think that the American people deserve to know how unsafe other cars are – and are thankful to the town of Grafton for helping us tell our story.”

Garlic Announces Launch of Sutton Squash and Auburn Avocado

Taking a cue from a local online news organization which has recently expanded to other towns, Garlic owner AJ Aglio decided to "spread garlic" by launching "The Squash" and the "Avocado" for Sutton and Auburn.  Garlic's self-educated CFO Iman Dett says "Hey, if we can make no money in one town, why not make no money in other towns?  Others may call it "economies of scale" but I just like to call it...well...can I get back to you on that?"  Satirical news sites for other local towns like Hopkinton and Shrewsbury are reportedly delayed due to lack of catchy vegetable names.  Insiders say Garlic's creative team has moved on to unhealthy meats and may go with "Hopkinton Hotdog" and "Shrewsbury Spam."  Also, Garlic's rumored slogan (for which lawyers are poised to sue for copyright infringement) "Satirical serenity is our policy, Annoying every elected official in Massachusetts is our goal" has not been verified.