Three Cheers for the Building Inspector who Drummed Seedy Massage Business Out of Town

Thank goodness that our Building Inspector is cracking down on the red light district in our town. If not for him, our most innocent residents would unwittingly violate a bylaw not to mention their morals by walking into a disgusting massage establishment. Even the local police have become desensitized to bylaw offenders by inviting R&R Massage (formerly Hands of an Angel) to display their risqué chair message techniques during the Police Night Out town event. So if you are not a big fan of the Building Inspector, put your criticisms aside for a minute and join me in a heartfelt thank you. The last thing our town needs is revenue from a morally offensive business.

This Advertisement was paid for by "Clean up Our Small Towns by Making it Real Hard for Businesses to Succeed" Foundation of America

Babbling Brook Utters First Words

The 50 year old babbling brook running through town has started to form its first words. Residents reporting hearing a very faint “Ma Ma” and “Zebo” along with some unintelligible words that sounded oddly similar to BOS meetings when speakers don’t use microphones.

The proud mother, Lake Ripple, has been talking non-stop about her "little Brooky" to anyone who will listen. She is pleased that her brook is developing normally but wants to make sure it stays away from local sewers to prevent early exposure to foul language.

Snopes.com reports that “U 1st Safely” campaign could be a Hoax

An article on Snopes.com (which uncovers media hoaxes) confirmed that the Grafton News “U 1st Safely” driver courtesy campaign must be a hoax. The campaign is intended to make the town a nicer place by encouraging drivers to let cars pull out ahead of them when there is heavy traffic on Route 140. “There is no way that this could be real” says Snopes Junior Researcher Justin Kupper originally from Upton, MA. “I mean come on, we all know what happens when we stop on 140. The car behind us gets impatient, hits the gas and passes on the right.” He speculates that if this were a real story, it could cause a rash of serious accidents. But Kupper gives the Grafton News the benefit of the doubt. He says “ even if it turns out to be a true story, I’m sure the newspaper has good intentions for the community…but maybe went from brainstorming in the break room to execution a bit too quickly?”

BOS Refusal to Pay $600 Fire Station Bill Puts Builder at Risk of Financial Collapse

After spending $5.5 million for a new fire station, the Board of Selectman really put the screws to the builder by declining a bill for $600 to fix the pavement so Ladder 1 could leave the station. “This really puts our business in jeopardy” says A.P. Whitaker, owner of the company who built the station. He did a quick calculation on his blackberry showing that the $600 was equal to 1/10th of one percent of the total project cost. “That’s too much for us to absorb...and frankly it’s really not our fault that the truck couldn't leave the station.” He then added, “If someone builds you a garage, is it their fault if your Chevy Suburban won’t fit? I think not.” He says he doesn’t mind the public scolding but would prefer not to have his company's future compromised over this.

Summer Rental Still Available for Middle School Modular Classrooms

With the popularity of “staycations” on the rise, the Secondary School Building Committee came up with a great idea. “We can rent out the modular classrooms for those who don’t mind roughing it a little bit but want to get out of the house” says the committee chair. He adds, “it’s a win-win…it will help us offset the costs of building a new school and bring business to the community.” A one week stay will cost vacationers about $50K but will include a blow up pool, a coupon for a free cone at Swirls & Scoops and a free pass to “Construction Camp” where vacationers can participate in getting the class rooms ready for the fall.