Friday, June 26, 2009

Vegetables Getting Nervous as Farmers Market Approaches

With the launch of Grafton's Farmers Market nearing, chatter from local vegetables has swelled to ear-deafening levels. Tomatoes have been escaping off the vines in record breaking numbers and those left behind have been put on the anxiety-reducing drug Lexipro.

While some are panicking, Tomato spokesman, "Big" Bigboy says other veggies need a wake-up call. “They’ve been brainwashed into looking forward to nice caprese salads and other fresh seasonal dishes” he says, “and they need to have someone yell into…well…wherever they hear from…that their life is basically OVER!” Others cope by attending all night cucumber keg parties to start the pickling process, and some simply avoid eye contact with anyone who walks by. A group of peas are contemplating getting their own table at the Farmer’s Market to promote perfectly edible chemical, fat, sugar and sodium filled foods.

Whatever the strategy, most of the local vegetables are lining up to buy big insurance policies from Gaudette. When Agents ask about the beneficiary, they quietly pull out a few seeds out and slide them across the table with a knowing look.

Wednesday, June 24, 2009

A man calling himself Rod Smith named as Temporary DPW Director

In a surprise move at the last BOS meeting, the Town Administrator announced that Rod Smith would assume the role of temporary DPW Director. The TA said, “Smith said he was a good friend of mine from kindergarten in Chicago” where the TA's family lived prior to relocating to Lowell. And in an attempt to bring levity to a tense meeting moment, the TA joked that he "vaguely recalled Smith's ability to follow simple instructions and had the alphabet nailed."

“But seriously, I did a pretty comprehensive Google search this time...and although I found a lot of Rod Smiths on Wikipedia” the TA said, “the most obvious match was the State Senator from Florida." In response to BOS asking why the Senator would take a step down from his current role, the TA said “Smith mentioned something about wanting to get a fresh start in a new state.” In the final minutes of the BOS meeting, the TA added, "I could be wrong, but my gut tells me this is a no-brainer for the town."

Tuesday, June 23, 2009

Recycling Committee holds Town Garage Sale suspiciously close to “Clean Out Day”

After an overwhelming amount of junk was dropped on town officials on Saturday, they needed to act quickly. Someone came up with a great idea: “Forget about PAYT, let’s sell junk back to the residents!” That set in motion a secret plan to have a giant town junk sale. Mysterious “Garage Sale” signs were seen around the town directing people to the High School lot again on Sunday.
The plan fell short of expectations according to an inside source. The town made about $40 dollars on the venture and said it was going to use the proceeds alleviate the cost of PAYT bags. That amounted to about 4/10ths of a penny per bag for 1 week. Because it’s difficult to charge penny fractions, they decided to reduce the cost by a full penny and take the hit for the taxpayers.

Sunday, June 21, 2009

"Dead End" narrowly defeated by "Not a Through Way"

After "Not a Through Way" gave it's Best Sign acceptance speech for streets with no outlets, "Dead End" supporters flocked to the streets protesting the validity of the election. "Not a Through Way" advocates scoffed at the accusation showing exit polls favoring their candidate. After "Not a Through Way" was endorsed by the local DPW last month, "Dead End" began a grass-roots campaign in many of the town's cul-de-sacs. "Not a Through Way" made campaign promises to remove morbidity from signs while "Dead End" ran on a traditional "if it ain't broke" sign values platform. Since the election, "Dead End" is now regrouping with party leaders to see how they can re-engergize their party with new names like "No Way Out" or "You're F'd."


Thursday, June 18, 2009

Grafton Police Arresting Each Other to Use New Police Station

With the crime rate in Grafton so low and a huge police station to fill, Grafton police have been itching to use the new facilities. Sergeant Bruce Arnoldi came up with a novel idea. “If I can catch officers breaking the law and throw the book at them, then we can all get some practice” he told Garlic reporters.

Arnoldi and his partner entered the Grafton home of Officer Ron Shandling last Saturday morning in full SWAT attire. They pulled the sleeping Sergeant to his feet, slapped cuffs on him, read him his rights and brought him to the station for booking. He was charged with “idleness”, a crime on the books from Puritan times when napping was a crime. A giggling Shandling was not so happy a month later when it cost him $6,000 in legal fees to remove the arrest from his record.

In the meantime, enterprising town officials approved other uses for the station including: police themed birthday parties, a dog kennel for Tufts Vet School, a “Chip and Dales” style police strip show, temporary classrooms for high school math, and a new Bravo reality TV show called “No Crime, No Time.”


Saturday, June 13, 2009

83 Year Old Man Carded at Liquor Store

After traveling ½ mile to a Grafton liquor store with nothing but a walker and a tote bag, 83 yr old John Delmont was carded and turned away when he couldn’t prove his age. The frustrated Delmont showed his WW2 tattoo, quoted lines from “Citizen Kane”, and tried to convince the man behind the counter that minimum wage was 43 cents an hour when he was young. The clerk, believing this was a local Police sting operation, tried to pull off Delmont’s mask and was alarmed when all he got was a handful of real skin. The determined Delmont walked to a Millbury liquor store and when he returned, he showed off his sunburn and blisters to friends as they sipped their warm but well deserved wine coolers.

Wednesday, June 10, 2009

Golf-ball Sized Hail Confused Highfields Homeowners

The golf-ball sized hail that hit Grafton last week created confusion among homeowners on the town’s golf course. Robert Smith of Magill Drive was sure that golf balls were hitting his new home causing damage to his roof and car. Even after the hailstorm articles appeared in the paper, he quite never made the connection. Smith was forced to explain to his insurance company that the damage must have come from a group of novice golfers who hit “dogleg left” shots simultaneously. His claim was denied.

Building Inspector Denies Permit to Self

The Grafton Building Inspector insisted that his wife rip out a new kitchen and bathroom renovation citing a code violation; the joists were 1/80th inch off square. He was confident that this move would vindicate him from all the negative press surrounding his recent performance.

Tuesday, June 9, 2009

Pay As You…

A Grafton area man was inspired by the new Pay as You Throw (PAYT) fees as a means to get Grafton back in better financial shape. He brought a list of other fee generating activities to the Board of Selectman meeting last Friday. Among the ideas presented were: PAYC (pay as you caffinate) for Dunkin drive-thru customers, PAYP (pay as you pay) adding an additional purchase fee to the PAYT trash bags and PAYEK (pay as you enter kindergarten) which would take the lunch money from 5 year olds. The Board reluctantly threw out a PAYCATM (pay as you complain at town meetings) after a 30 minute discussion on the merits of the idea.


Grafton News sticks tongue out at Grafton Times

In a fight for subscribers and advertising revenue, the Grafton News stooped to a new low. It stuck its tongue out at the other news source in town. Things turned ugly after a slap fight escalated to a round of “did not, did toos”. The Community Advocate finally broke things up by sending them to their rooms to think about their actions.
 
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